cronicas de siempre.

one of my very earliest memories of childhood date back to when i was a baby, actually. according to my mother, i was still an infant and she couldn’t understand how i remembered this. anyways, i remember being at a waterfall. i remember my mom holding me close enough to the water so i could gently feel it on my face. i remember seeing other small children there, but i considered them big kids, because they weren’t babies, and they were much bigger then i was. i can also remember crying a lot, because i was really afraid of the waterfall. it was massive compared to me, and i didn’t know what it was at the time, but that memory stayed sharp in my mind as i grew older and finally learned what that falling water really was. when i was in high school, my psychology teacher told my class that the average person can only remember back to about 3 years old, 2 if they have a very good memory. i do believe that, but i also believe that i do remember back to infancy, and i can actually prove it. i believe it was the same day my psychology teacher shared that information that i came home and asked my mother, “mom, when i was little, like a baby, did we ever go to a waterfall?” she was really surprised, and responded, “kaitlyn, there is no possible way you could remember something like that! you weren’t even a year old yet!” so i said, “okay, so i really did go to a waterfall when i was a baby?” my mom told me it was a place called kent falls in connecticut. considering i’ve grown up my entire life in connecticut and still have no idea where kent is, i’m surprised my memory is this spectacular. 

other then my vague memory of going on a trip to disneyworld with my mom and her then-boyfriend don. that is just one of my many memories of my childhood, and probably one of the only good ones that stick in my mind to this day. i still see the old apartment on buckingham street… 15 buckingham street. the building was falling apart, there was a floor heater in the middle of the room, and i remember falling on it and getting burned. i was about 7 when that happened. i remember going to the hospital until 3am. i remember the cold feeling of the tub of ice water the nurse told me to stick my hands in while i waited to be seen. i remember looking across the waiting room and seeing a teenage boy with cuts, blood, and bruises all over his face. i remember the nauseating feeling it gave me, and my mom telling me i didn’t have to look at him. i remember sitting in the hospital room, making rubber glove water balloons, talking to the lady who was staying in that room. i can remember her asking the nurse to bring her some food, so she could share it with me. that lady was so nice to me, i forgot why she was in the hospital. i hope she came out fine. 

i remember all of the kids i use to play outside with. there was a lot of us. i first met danielle. i’ll disclose her last name, out of respect and privacy, so we can just call her danielle a. i don’t remember if i met her in my kindergarten class or if i met her because she lived across from me. both were accurate, i just don’t remember which one brought on our friendship. danielle was so fun to play with, and she was my best friend. we took the same school bus home, and at the time, my mom worked at a factory behind mcdonald’s in watertown called alvies, so my grandmother would wait at the bus stop and bring me to her house after school every day until it was time to pick my mom up from work, because she didn’t have a car at that time, either. sometimes, when i got off the school bus, my grammy wouldn’t be there, so i would go across the parking lot with danielle to her house and we would play in her room until my grammy got me. these next few tidbits of info are actually something i never shared with anybody… ever. when danielle and i would play in her room, she always wanted to play boyfriend/girlfriend and house. i was always the husband/boyfriend. she always wanted to kiss me. always wanted me to kiss her. sometimes, she would try to stick her tongue in my mouth, and i was grossed out by it. some days, i would just get use to it and it wouldn’t bother me as much, and other days i was just disgusted by it.

danielle had a few older brothers, and one time, one of her brothers swore he saw and heard us kissing. of course we lied and said we weren’t doing anything, but he never did believe us. he wasn’t much older than we were, maybe 4 years? anyway, i can remember how upset i was one day when danielle told me she was moving across town. not only was she moving away from me, but she was going to start going to a different school, too. it was really hard for me to cope with, because she was my first best friend, and i loved her a lot. little did i know she and i would reunite in the 6th grade and be completely stunned. 

after she moved, i met another girl, who lived in the house next to me. her name was also danielle, but because this is a different danielle, i’ll call her danielle b. she was a few years younger then me, and we use to play in her yard on the swing set. her parents hated me, because i was such a nuisance. i got myself into a lot of trouble with them, to the point of which they actually put a fence up around their yard to prevent me from coming over. i still did anyways, though xD she and i were really good friends up until i stopped hanging out with her and i started hanging out with some kids who shared the same yard as me. 

i remember the first day stephanie moved next door, she was about 4 years older then me, i think? i remember looking out the window, and i saw her sitting outside her apartment, playing a board game with this girl theresa, i didn’t know her name at the time, but there were a couple occasions where theresa would be hanging out with me and stephanie, so we were all friends. i remember looking up to stephanie like an older sister, because she was always really smart, told me a lot about things like periods, sex, condoms. yep, all that great stuff. but she was helping me understand things the way no one else did. when my mother told me about all that, she just flat out told me what it was, and of course her being my mother of all people, i was disgusted that she would want to talk about that with me, so i never wanted to talk about it with her anyway. stephanie wasn’t my mom, she was an older sister like person to me. i wasn’t afraid to ask her weird questions about weird things, because she made it so comfortable. there were many times when she was the annoying kind of sister to me, she would pick on me, we would get into petty fights, and i would go home. it didn’t take long for me to come back outside and play with her though.

there were also the redneck family that moved in from alabama, accents and all. i remember them well. i’m actually pretty mad that i can’t think of the father’s name, i knew him so damn well. however, there was his wife kelly, who was short, skinny, and had super long wavy red flowing hair. they had three sons. richard was the oldest, and i always made fun of him, because his name was richard simmons. there was the middle child, cody. he became my boyfriend, and we were very, very close for about 3 years. considering i was in 5th grade, it’s pretty hard to believe i had those kind of feelings then. then again, my first kiss was in preschool. i was a bad girl. i had a crush on this black kid, his name was brandon. during recess, i brought him around the back of the school so i could kiss him without getting in trouble. i still got caught. anyway, moving on. the youngest boy was tray. he was so adorable, about 5 years old. cody was in the 2nd grade, but if i remember correctly, he stayed back once or twice. i remember us being like 3 years apart. his older brother richard was just a year younger then i was.

we would all play outside, and we all had so much fun. but… there were many times where our friendships were truly questioned. especially that ones time all the neighborhood kids held me down, wrapped my body in cables and tried to drag me into the intersection. there was another time richard got in my face and mockingly started touching my face, like the lightest smack you could give, to provoke me. he kept doing is saying, “what are you gonna do about it? huh? come on.” so i grabbed a bat and i beat him with it. he deserved it. 

i’ll never forget the time i was playing outside, and tray randomly ran outside with a kitchen knife in his hand. i got so scared he was going to stab someone that i ran to get his mother to come outside and take it from him. it’s funny now, but was not then. 

the winters in that apartment sucked. i went a long time without any heat or warm water. so my mom would spend about an hour boiling pots of water to give me a warm bath. good thing we had an old fashioned cast iron bath tub. it retained heat like a son of a bitch, and it lasted for hours.

I can’t imagine not waking up by your side every morning. It wouldn’t be the same. It wouldn’t be… Complete. I would not feel whole the way I do now. I lay next to you and touch your hair while you drift of into sleep, and I just feel so lucky. When I tell you that I will always be here to take care of you, I mean it in the most absolute way. You’re my everything, and I will do everything for you. I always do :) I enjoy making you happy. I enjoy doing things for you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Someone to do nice things for, do small favors around the house for, take care of, cuddle with, be with, to love and cherish in any situation. You’re always by my side, and although we are together every single day, when I’m not with you, I do miss you. You’re all I’ve ever wanted. I promise that I will never hurt you. I will never betray you. I will ALWAYS be honest with you, and I ALWAYS have been <3 You are my bright light, and you get me through my days. I look forward to coming home to you every nite, because your face makes me smile so much :) Wanna know a secret? When you told me that I was the one you were “going to spend the rest of your life with”, I kinda freaked out in my mind and almost started crying. I didn’t expect to hear that… I was so off guard. It just kinda hit me hard, realizing that… You love me enough to want to be with me for life. I mean, of course, I feel the same way… I was just. Set aback for a minute, in thought. It kept replaying in my head with repetition after that. I’m not sure if you could recall my face, but all I was able to do was just… Look you in the eyes, speechless, silent. It was pure amazement. No words could describe. I hope that someday, you will find my writings about you that are on here. Maybe then, you will understand my more inner feelings that I don’t always talk about. You know that I love you, that I am in absolute love with you. I don’t need to remind you, although I love to tell you. The cutest thing is when you say it like every 5 minutes. I get all giggly on the inside. I feel like such a love struck faggot talking about you like this. Especially on tumblr. Whatever. I love you, forever <3 I remember when you first said that to me, I was also stunned at that moment, and a tear almost escaped from the corner of my eye. Never have I ever heard someone use “forever” and actually mean it. I’m not psychic, and no, I don’t know everything. But I do notice the difference between the way every other person said it who meant nothing by it, and the way you said it to me, with such… Genuineness. It hurts me that there are many people who don’t see the kind of good in you that you show me. You even agreed with me when I commented on how I was probably the only person you’re not an asshole to. It’s true. Like I always say, not once have we ever fought, or argued about anything. You’ve never said a single cruel thing to me, you’ve never said anything to try to hurt me. There’s no reason to. The only arguments we would ever get into are extremely petty, never serious, and it’s usually my fault anyways, because it’s over something that I just didn’t know, and you just can’t get over how absolutely simple minded I can be :) I’m not afraid to admit to this what so ever, because it’s the truth, and I can most certainly handle it. One of us says something, the other one objects, and if you’re the one who ends up being right, I drop everything and just tell you “You know what? You’re right.” I’m not afraid to admit my flaws, when I’m wrong, I’m wrong. Whatever, it’s not a big deal to me. I hate being wrong, yes, but if I’ve already been proven against, where is there room for argument? Just to make myself look foolish? Please. I’d rather give up then and there, save my breath, give you the benefit of being correct, and move on. That’s what I do best. Sometimes, actually most of the time, I don’t even care enough to argue about whatever it is. It’s just not worth the annoyance xD I’m happy that I see it that way, too. I think it’s better for both of our sake :) I don’t know why I continue to ramble on about this, so I’ll end it here. I love you <3

And sometimes, it can suck. And I mean really suck. Whatever, it’s life, and I’ve been learning the change of the tides throughout the course of time. All I can be sure about is the fact that so far, I’m happy. I hope it stays this way. I always wake up with a scary thought in the back of my head, but that will never leave, because my fears never leave me.

This entity could destroy you, drag you down, cut you up from the inside out.

It has the physicality of a cat, an elephant, a hippopotamus, so you can imagine his power without a doubt. 

He was the first monster created to protect Mother Earth from being disheveled.

Fierce claws and sharp teeth, a lustful demon, and gluttonous, just like the Devil.

You’ll find this beast protecting the wine cellars of hell.

He takes on various physical forms, so it will always be difficult to tell.

His strength is in his loins, and his force is in the navel of his belly.

You look into his eyes and see a power, strength so felly.

A being so large, supernatural, beyond this world.

If not careful, you’ll see that he exists in Hades when you’re brought to the underworld.

I came to terms with the fact that I’m actually not really that close to anybody in my family other than my parents and grandparents on both sides. Nobody else. I started to realize this when I noticed the closeness that’s formed between Eric’s parents and I. I feel like I was accepted into a family. They treat me like family, and whenever I’m around, there’s no special treatment or anything, it’s just another day. I’m not a guest anymore, and everyone is always completely themselves and totally real with me. Jokes get cracked on me all the time about my height by Eric, and now his parents both know me enough to the point where even Eric’s dad makes fun of me sometimes, too. Eric doesn’t need to be home in order for me to be around, because I still have Meredith and his mother to hang out with, because I’m so comfortable around them, I can be myself and not have to worry about anything. Sure, I’m myself around my family, too. But they don’t really bother too much with me, aside from my parents and grandparents, nobody ever bothers with me. Eric’s parents are a part of my life more then the rest of my family. I’m not close to anybody. I’ve been really upset for a few days, because all I’ve been thinking about is how my dad’s side of the family isn’t too happy with me, because apparently I forget about them… Whatever. You know what? Yes, my stepmother is a very awesome person, very thoughtful and sweet and I love her and my daddy to death. That will NEVER change. But DON’T EVER FUCKING TELL ME THAT YOU FEEL FORGOTTEN ABOUT! My whole fucking life, all I ever wanted was a fucking decent relationship with my father. A normal father daughter relationship! I NEVER FUCKING HAD THAT! I don’t know what it’s like first hand to hug my father, even hear him tell me he loves me. NEVER. IF IT WEREN’T FOR MY GRANDMOTHER OR MY STEPMOTHER, I WOULD HAVE NEVER EVEN SEEN HIM. Why? He never made a fucking effort in his goddamn life to see me… Not a single fucking effort. And my family has the fucking AUDASITY to give me a fucking problem about not calling my father on his birthday?! I’m sorry, but that just completely draws the fucking line in the sand with me. HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO GET PISSED AT ME FOR NOT CALLING MY DAD ON HIS BIRTHDAY WHEN HE NEVER FUCKING MADE A SINGLE EFFORT TO CALL ME…EVER… AT ALL… UNLESS I NEEDED TO ASK HIM SOMETHING, OR TO FIGURE OUT WHERE HE WAS WAITING TO PICK ME UP AT THE DAMN AIRPORT. You know what else really sucks? The fact that he’s had 19 fucking chances to call me for my birthday. Never made a fucking effort. Nope. And they expect me to do everything? Don’t send me a box full of Wal-mart socks and candy and use that “thoughtful gesture” against me for the fuck sake of an argument. You wanna reason to be fucking pissed at me? You want a reason? I can give you a lot of reasons to get mad at me, but you know what? It doesn’t add up to half the bullshit I had to go through since I was a child. I was about 11 yrs old, and I was changing my brother’s and sisters diapers, I was making them food, I was putting them to bed, giving them baths and showers, doing everything that needed to be done for them, and doing things around the house so my dad and his wife could go drinking in the bar all nite. I thought that was normal. THAT’S NOT FUCKING NORMAL. YOU DON’T LEAVE AN 11 yr old WITH TWO SMALL CHILDREN ALONE IN AN APARTMENT IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING WTBY FOR A MAJORITY OF THE NITE TO DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANNA DO, YOU SELFISH FUCKS. Yes, I learned a lot from all that shit, because I pretty much know how to be a mother at this point, but you have to be really fucked up in the head to feel completely fine leaving children to be alone all nite long, regardless of my responsibility. Honestly… I did that shit constantly for like 5 - 10 years straight until they moved their asses to Florida. Hence, the only real damn reason I didn’t take on the maternal role of raising my siblings -_- But don’t worry, as soon as I got to Florida, I immediately went back to being “mom”. It was like my parents were ghosts. Always working, never around, working all nite, sleeping all day, leaving me to do everything. I had to cook everybody dinner every nite, I did everyone’s laundry, I fed the children as soon as I woke up.. I did EVERY FUCKING THING THAT I SHOULDNT HAVE HAD TO DO IN A HOUSE WHERE THERE WAS A PARENT PRESENT. They’re so fucking immature, too, they spent like an hour and a half one night just fucking yelling at each other and smashing shit at the wall… You want me to act like an adult, but you can throw a fucking tantrum dad? Really? GROW THE FUCK UP ALREADY, you already fucked up at being a dad with your first daughter, don’t fuck up the other two as well. Who knows, you probably already did. It seems like you love them more then you ever loved me anyways. Never fucking said it to my face, so I guess that makes me right. Do you know what it’s like to just sit there, and as your eyes reveal such painful tears that streak your face, you say, “How do I say “Happy Birthday” to someone who’s never even fucking told me they loved me?” Good ass question dad… It’s been almost 20 years, when are you gonna stop actin like a fuckin rookie and be a man already? It seems like you’re a great father to Sam and Michael, but what did I ever get from you, besides practically all of your physical features? Not much… The only thing I ever got from you was child support, and you never sent me that shit anyways. 66 bucks a week… I wipe my ass with that shit. I dealt with a lot of shit because of you, and your sorry ass decisions. My mother never took you to court, because we didn’t want to have any problems with anyone’s family. I agreed with her, because I love everyone. I don’t know why I love someone so much when they never made a single effort in my life to show they cared in any way possible. Nothing. I know he loves me, he’s my fucking dad. I just wish I could look at him like a father and not a sperm donor. I wish I had respect for him. I do, for what he does for everyone else. But I don’t respect him for the things he never did for me. I tell my boyfriend all the time how the relationship with his daughter is probably the most meaningful thing I’ve ever experienced… because it’s something I’ve never known, because it’s something I’ve never had. I never got to feel what it’s like to spend time with my daddy. I think so highly of my boyfriend more than I could possible explain, because he loves his baby girl so damn much, and a closeness like that is so rare. Nobody should ever have to feel this way, and I’m so happy that Meredith doesn’t have to.

Aside from my relationship, which has had no problems, there are so many stressful things going on in my mind… It’s hard to keep up with… Once I’m done with class for the day, the first thing I want is to be out of school. My school friends don’t understand that. They look at it as I’m blowing everybody off for my boyfriend. Not necessarily. I became distant to friends, because I just can’t handle having the responsibility of being close friends to people at this time simply for the fact that I just don’t want to end up hurting anybody… It’s hard… I do feel like the bad guy, and I know I’ve been a stranger to people. But a lot has been on my mind, and I’ve been needing to be away from everything. Ever since I could remember, there isn’t one person in my life that I could truly trust. Every person I ever gave my trust to completely desecrated any means of a promise or being trustworthy to me as a person. Of course, it left its what-seems-to-be-permanent mark on my present. Problems with getting hurt and trust have changed the way I feel about people, even the ones that I’m closest to. Why? Every person I have ever become close to has found some way to hurt me, give me a reason to lose trust. I can’t give out complete trust to anyone anymore, not even my fucking boyfriend who has done absolutely nothing wrong to me. We’re together all the time, and he’s so genuine to me, tells me all the time how happy I make him and that he loves me… That all means so much to me. And at the same time, I always think to myself he’s just going to end up finding someone better, or prettier than me and just move on… That’s how it’s always been for me… The last relationship that I had before Eric was everything I ever wanted… Monique and I weren’t even together for a year, and she was my absolute everything. I don’t believe I was ever in love with her, but it was the closest thing to being in love that I ever felt about anyone in my entire life. I knew I wasn’t in love with her, because in the back of my mind I knew that this love I had for her was a forbidden feeling, and that I wasn’t suppose to feel that way. So, my mind didn’t allow my heart to fully open the way it would have if circumstances were different. It was the most emotionally different and difficult experience of my life, but this girl was worth every heart ache that I felt, because I believed, and she even told me, that I was worth all the trouble that we were going through. She told me she wouldn’t leave me again… I believed her. I trusted her. I risked it all for her so many times. Just to find out she just gave up anyways. That’s not the first time I’ve been let down by somebody I loved. But that is the most recent heart felt pain I’ve experienced… and it is probably the worst I’ve dealt with… I’m not healed, but I know it’s a slow process. I shouldn’t feel this way over somebody I was with for only 7-8 months, but length of time in a relationship is irrelevant to feelings in certain cases, and this was one of them. What I’m trying to say is, all of this shit that I’ve dealt with has done such a toll on me, that I’m afraid. I’m afraid of everything. I’m afraid of everyone. I think I’ve finally discovered the one true thing in life that honestly scares the shit out of me every day because it’s always on my mind. Trust. Trusting someone. Trusting anyone. Something I really can’t do well. I’m too skeptical… I’m very pessimistic, and I always seem to expect the worst no matter how perfect the situation. It’s all I’ve ever known, and all I’ve ever wanted to do is change that… I won’t say “but I can’t” because I think that’s complete bullshit… I know over time, I will probably be able to get over it and just be able to move on… but so much time has gone by, and so many things in my life have changed that I should be better then I am. I have an amazing loving boyfriend who does nothing but treat me good, loves me, cares about me, hold me when I’m upset and calms me down. He may have a temper, and he may be impatient, but when I get upset, lose my patience, get aggravated at something and throw it (LOL) he calms me down so perfectly, so easily… Like he’s my rock. I’m also his rock. We are supportive of each other. I do the best I can to make sure he is happy, that we have a great time, and we’ve never had any problems. He’s never ever let me down since I’ve known him, and he’s never given me a reason not to trust him… But, the way I see it, it always starts out that way. The person you swear will never hurt you, the person you least expect… Is always the one who tends to hurt you the most, whether they know it or not. I don’t want to believe that, honestly, it hurts so much practically to the point of tears, that I don’t ever want to believe that to happen. I should feel secure about my relationship, because no problems consciously exist… but it’s always me. I’m my own worst enemy. I create things out of nothing purely by thinking about them too much. Or over-thinking. I keep having this fear that my boyfriend will eventually find himself wanting to be with someone who is more attractive than me, simply because he can. That insults me, because that makes it seem like that’s how I look at him. Absolutely not. I feel like I’m with someone who is so amazing that I worry so much that something is going to happen, or that someone is going to try to fuck me over, fuck my relationship over. I don’t think that he would do that to me. He’s shown me that he loves and cares about me far too much to believe that he would do something like that. I’m not perfect, and I don’t have a perfect body, and I think I’m semi-attractive half the time. I have a lot of insecurities, but at the same time, I’m shameless about myself. I have no problem with changing clothes in front of people, or people seeing parts of my body, because it’s who I am and I need to accept it, that’s all. But I’m extremely insecure when I’m surrounded by girls that I know are way prettier than me. Next to them, I’m nothing. That’s something I need to get over. I get compliments on things, and I really should start to believe them. I’m not cocky, but I do need to have a more positive attitude about myself in a relationship. I love my boyfriend so much, I love my friends so much as well… All I want to do is give at least one person in my life complete trust… It’s probably going to take a long while. It will be very hard, but in the future, I know I can do this. Just writing this post alone made me feel better… made my shoulders a little lighter. <3 Maybe this was more closure to another part of my past. Or maybe I’m just moving a little closer toward the closure between my present and my past, because I need to look forward to my future <3